We’ve all heard the stories a thousand times or more probably. An unsuspecting group of people of an indeterminate amount, wanders into the path of some psychopathic monster on Halloween night, it attacks and brutally murders them except for one or two that manage to muster enough offense near the end of the ordeal to dispatch with the angry beast. When all that they had to do to avoid blood shed, was to pay closer attention at the very beginning. Below I’ve taken the liberty of outlining a few clues as to whether or not there is a monster lurking in some dark area near you and what to do in case there is.
Unexplainable noises.
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Lets say that you are a part of a group of people of four or more, you’re wandering along and all of a sudden- one or more of you hears a spooky noise coming from a dark place nearby. Rule #1- Never- I repeat, NEVER, go wandering off from the group by yourself to go investigate, it is usually more times than not the monster trying to lure you into a trap. And by the time you actually see whatever it is- your monster kibble. Remember- it is always best to bravely run away and be considered a coward rather than try to be a hero and end up in the monsters digestive tract.
Know your Monsters
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Ok, so now you and the rest of your group have realized that you are in deep shit, you now know that you are in the presence of a monster. Ahhh, but what KIND of monster is it? See? Half of monster fighting is knowing your beasties, you see it, you size it up, you identify it, and then you’ll know how to kill it. Below I have outlined a few basic monster types and what to do if you run into one.
Vampires.
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These guys aren’t always easy to spot, sometimes they can appear to be almost normal. Its usually the desire to siphon every last drop of blood from your body, or turning into a bat, wolf or some other such creepy crawly that turns people off from Vampires. Clues: they don’t have a reflection, they don’t take well to sunlight, they’re not fond of crosses or holy water. Taking off their heads, driving a wooden stake through their hearts or dragging their asses into the sunlight usually does the trick. For other methods consult with your how to kill a monster Handbook
Werewolves.
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These guys aren’t hard to spot. They’re hairy, ugly, foul smelling beasts with long jagged teeth, and pointy ears. Most of them have fleas. Like vampires and most other monsters, they’re strictly a nocturnal lot. They like full moons, cold misty nights and most will jump at the chance to sink their teeth into unsuspecting human flesh. If you hear a howling in the distance ( Or sometimes close by) unless you are carrying a gun with a large supply of silver bullets, running in the opposite direction is usually your best option.
Man made monsters.
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There’s always some asshole somewhere that thinks HE or SHE can do it better than God. They go to a graveyard in the middle of the night, dig up a few freshly buried bodies drag them back to some dark, dimly lit laboratory somewhere. And lets see.. Lets take the heart of this one- and put it in this one.. Lets take the brain from this raging psychopathic moron and put it in this body- ETC, ETC, ETC. then they hook up the jumper cables and slap the current to them and presto- instant asshole, just add electricity. I never figured out how they always end up with a flat head though. But what you usually end up with is a lumbering, slobbering, gibberish spewing anti social killing machine. Not hard to spot. Important safety tip, they usually don’t like fire, so keep a few torches handy.
Human assholes
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Mommy didn’t love them, Daddy was a drunk, every kid in high school gave them atomic wedgies at some point in their life.. (Even the nerds picked on them) every job they ever had was boring and mundane and nobody ever appreciated their inner genius and/or beauty. So one day, they grow up, flip out, and become homicidal maniacs that go on a killing rampage and refuse to die. Bottom line with psycho’s is though, if you put enough bullets in them, if they are human at all, they’re going down.
Zombies
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Some people just can’t seem to stay dead. Never mind how they got that way, never mind how deep the hole that you bury them in is. These gory guys and gals can dig their way out of even the deepest hole, and while they’re doing it they’re building up one hell of an appetite. And guess what they like to eat? You, me and the rest of the world. You can always spot a Zombie, by their gray colored skin, that vacant look in the eyes, they have that whole the lights are on but nobody’s home vibe to them. You can usually smell a Zombie before you see one, because they aren’t known for their personal hygiene. Important note: when you see one, shoot it in the head right away and then run in the opposite direction. They never travel alone. And if you don’t shoot them no matter how fast you try to get away, and no matter how slow they appear to be moving they WILL catch up with you at some point so be prepared.
So- lets recap. You hear a noise, make visual contact, and inevitably have identified your particular type of monster. So you fight with it, run away, it finds you again and you fight with it some more before finally killing it. So what is the biggest mistake that you can make from this point forward? Never go back to check to see if the monster is really dead. It is a plain and simple fact that most victims become victims when they go back to admire their handy work only to discover that the monster isn’t really dead, instead, it was merely plotting it’s next move while you were basking in the glow of your premature victory celebration. so you come back to find it isn’t dead at all, you instead find that it’s waiting for its rematch, which you of course aren’t fully prepared for, so it kills you before you can re-kill it, then someone else swoops in and really kills it. And all you had to do was get the hell out of there and leave the monster for the people in the sequel to with. So in conclusion, when you’re out there this Halloween just bear in mind that there are monsters lurking everywhere, so just remember, be smart when dealing with them you too can return home safely.. Happy Halloween.
